What did I sign up for?

Is this really what happens when you leave school??? Do you really get completely sucked into a black hole of existence, only aware of your immediate surroundings? REALLY? I don't think I signed up for this. I don't think I counted on the fact that when I stopped going to class full time and started working full time that I would be completely absorbed into my (completely mundane) day-to-day life. The only thing that I have been aware of in the last month is a promotion that I was competing for at work. And now that I didn't get it, I feel as if the last few weeks have been crumpled up and thrown in the circular file.

I mean, don't get me wrong- having some stability and not having so much chaos in my life has been a bit refreshing. But at the same time I feel like one of those characters in the opening sequence of the movie Metropolis. You know where they are all marching slowly in sync to the elevator that will take them down to their shift work just as the previous shift gets off the elevator, marching in the same somber rhythm. And every single face looks emotionless and stoic. I feel like I am wrapped up in this terrible cycle of get up-go to work-come home-go to bed-get up... AGGHHH! Get me off this ride!

Cleaning Lady

So I spent most of this morning under the I-35 bridge downtown. I was cleaning up trash that had been left by the homeless and the transients, the rebellious and delinquent teens, and the random passers-by who toss trash out their car windows as they drive by. There wasn’t anything particularly remarkable about the stuff I was cleaning up; empty beer cases, plastic grocery sacks, and enough glass to make a picture window out of. What was remarkable about the experience was that as we were cleaning up the trash and whacking down the weeds, I could hear the traffic overhead. It was loud under there, all the cars whizzing by; and when the semi-trucks drove over, I thought the whole bridge might come down.

I also noticed how I could hear them, but not see them. And they could not see me. They could not see my church team and the volunteers from the youth groups who spent a hot and humid Saturday (the first Saturday of summer, no less) to clean the filth and overgrowth that had taken hold of the little corner of the Westside.

And most of them wouldn’t ever notice. People don’t ever notice things outside of there little bubble. They will never notice that you can finally use the sidewalk on 20th and Pennsylvania, never see that the kids who live in the area can play beyond their small, fenced-in yard without fear of what they are playing amongst, and never stop to think how lovely the street looks without all that overgrowth and trash.

They will never notice. But I will.

Well, here goes....

Who am I?

I am a mid-twenty-something who hasn’t ever felt like a real grown-up yet. I just graduated from a university I hated with a degree that I will probably never use (unfortunately). I say that I want to teach, but that might be a lie. I am interested in everything yet commit to nothing…besides my husband. He is the one solid thing in my life. He wants me to do great things and change the world. But I just don’t think that I am good enough to actually make any difference. Although, this attitude is probably why nothing ever does really change. So now I just took a job that I probably am not going to like very much, at a place that is way too far to drive. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life, my career. I wish I had a passion for something in particular, for anything at all.

I want to know and love Jesus and am trying to learn how to completely rearrange my life to live for His Glory. But my head just won’t shut up and let my heart in on the action. I committed my life to Him without really knowing what that means. I am just trusting that He will always provide for me and love me and always forgive me, as long as I understand that He is the Big Boss.

I wish I could write. I wish I could write a blog. But my life is no where near interesting enough to even get one entry out of every week. This is the most I have ever been able to write about myself in one sitting. And its also probably the least interesting.

I don’t make friends very easily. I have a hard time really getting to know people. Probably because I never know what to say to people. I am terrible at making conversation.

Facebook is the devil. It surrounds me with all these brilliant people that I knew and could relate to once upon a time, and who are doing so many wonderful things like teaching, working for a magazine, going to law school and so on. These people make me realize what a complete nothing I am. I have nothing to show for myself. If I went back to a high school reunion right now, I would be voted “Least Successful” or “Totally Without Reason or Focus” or something else that just reiterated the fact that I have done nothing over the past six years besides get married and switch schools so many times that it took me six and a half years to finish a four year degree.

It sucks every time we talk about the future and owning a home or even just moving to a larger apartment. We don’t even have enough room to breath, let alone have any sort of social or healthy atmosphere. If we didn’t have the patio, I might have gone insane eight months ago (we moved in nine months ago). We only have room for one couch and a chair that is in the middle of the room. We have no place to keep anything so most of our stuff in at my mom’s house. But I do need to be thankful that we have a roof over our heads and (most of the time) food in our pantry.